I WAS HAVING A SHITTY WEEK, OK?
Me: Oh man, there must have been horses though here recently. That smells strong.
Jason: The flies have picked up too. Jeep turns up and around the corner
Me: HOLY SHEEP!
Damn. That’s a lot of sheep. You want me to get out and move them along?
Jason: Don’t worry, I got this! I just finished playing Red Dead Redemption and learned everything I need to know about how to herd sheep.
Sheep blare unhappily and stare blankly at Jeep for several minutes
Jason: . . . .
Me: . . . .
You want me to get out and help?
Jason: Yeah, actually. That would be great.
Me: Ok. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.
This is Linus. Linus is a gnome that likes to be miserable and spread his disenchantment throughout the word. Follow Linus and watch him be a total dick to everyone he comes across. Equal Opportunity Asshole Gnome (EOAG.)
He is available here: https://www.instagram.com/carpeabsurdo
Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.
Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.
Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.
Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.
Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.
Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?
Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!
Jason: I thought you said I should!!
Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .
GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.
Jason: Fucking Micah.
Me: Are you shooting live cannons at a ghost ship?
Me: Wait, are they cannon shooting Banshees at you?
Jason: Yea, didn’t you hear the screaming as the last one flew by?
Me: But how is this working? It’s a ghost ship. Cannons would go right through it. And who shoots a Banshee? What’s it going to do, yell AHHH, and be annoying on the fly-by?
Jason: It’s just how it works. It’s the first time I’ve come across a banshee, so I’ve never fought one.
Me: It looks like it’s retreating. Why would a ghost ship need to retreat? They’re all dead anyway.
Jason: *Turns wheel of ship furiously* Dammit. This is why I need you to play too. I need someone to pilot the ship while I shoot the damn things otherwise I get too off course.
Me: So they aren’t retreating, you’re just losing. Is that land ahead of you?
I’m not losing. I’m taking an evasive maneuver.
GOD DAMMIT. I ran aground because I didn’t have anyone to drive the ship.
Me: . . . .
Jason: It’s true.
Me: I wish I had a Banshee Cannon.
Good. Because we need some fucking housework finally done around here.