Crafting with Dead Animals Part 1

I was sitting at our local overpriced and wildly underwhelming Chinese restaurant, and Animal Planet was on in the background. It featured the designer who re-did spaces to exclusively cater to pets. One was about parrots, and the next was about a menagerie of animals and included an elaborate cage/tunnel system for the ferrets running all over the place (and IMHO they freaking stink and I would never want them shitting around my house.)
But then I suddenly remembered this woman I worked with, and she would talk about her ferrets all day. At the time, she had recently adopted three but one had developed a cold. I felt bad for her at first, and listened to her talk about how when it developed “a death rattle cough,” she knew it was the end. Then she proceeded to tell me that every ferret she had ever had, she took an impression of its foot in a mold and had them displayed around the house. I asked her what she did when they died, and she told me that they had each been cremated and kept organized in little shoe boxes, until she and her husband passed away so all their ashes could be mixed together. Hearing this, I felt a little relieved they had been cremated, because I started to have images of her house filled with taxidermied ferrets posed in different ways wearing little outfits. It seemed plausible with her. I would of. Unable to stop myself, I asked how many ferrets had currently departed for the great ferret hole in the sky. She said 32.
I shared this with our bar tender, and he said “Yeah. I get it. When I was a kid, my mom decided she was going to try and breed chinchillas. Unfortunately it didn’t work out, and they all died, and she figured she could have them used to make a pillow or something. But then she never got around to it, and we had three dead chinchillas in our freezer from the time I was in middle school to college. They were in there for a solid decade before my dad told her to either make her damn pillow or he was going to get rid of them himself. After that there was finally space in the freezer again. She never tried to breed them again though.”
I realized I’ve been selling myself short on creative possibilities recently, and am thinking of getting on board with the save-reuse-recycle movement. The possibilities are endless, I just need to go clear some freezer space.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Mad Max

Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Jason: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me:  Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.

Dinner Conversations Part Two: Highlander or Viking?

Me: I cant stand the suburbs of (town). Whenever we drive through, I feel like I should drink every time I see yoga pants. I would be fucking lit before we left the subdivision.
Jason: I actually like it there. It seems like there’s some normal people.
Me: You’re not slowly trying to lead me towards suburbs and children are you? Because if that’s the case we have a conversation we need to have and I have bags I need to pack.
Jason: No no, that’s the exact opposite of what you should be worried about. I’m coming from the position that I would be stealing wives of (town) and talking them out of their yoga pants.
Me: You know, it’s a small community. Word would probably spread quickly and I don’t think their husbands would take too kindly to that.
Jason: It’s borrowing, not stealing. They seem neighborly down there.
Me: Is this something else I should be worried about?
Jason: No, no you shouldn’t.
Me: OK then.
Jason picks up his steak with both hand and takes a huge bite out of it.
Me: You really should have been a Norse invader or a clansmen the way you’re biting into that steak. All furry with war paint. Wielding a fucking ax or broadsword or something like that.
Jason: I told you I have no couth. And it would be a fucking ax. And which end I used would depend on the day. Is it all business or pleasure? Rape or pillage? Ugh. That piece was a little fattier than I thought.
Me: I’m sure you never said that after a drunken night.
Jason: No, actually, I haven’t.
Me: (sigh.) Just remember to pillage before you burn.
Jason: Noted.

Dinner Conversations Part One: Why Men Shouldn’t Have Vaginas

Me: You know, I can see why boobs are so fun to play with. Perky is definitely a thing. They just keep bouncing back! It’s a good thing guys don’t have boobs or that’s all they would do. I’m pretty sure they would end up starving or something.

Jason: Exactly. If had a vagina, I would fuck everything in this house. Pot handles, the tail of that ceramic parrot, candlesticks, you name it. Everything would be fair game. Just like a cat, if it fits, I sits.

Me: I learn something new about you every day.

Things That Probably Shouldn’t Be Done with Sprinkles

Me: Let’s go to the grocery store to get stuff for ice cream sundaes. We should go all out and get sprinkles and stuff. Ehehehe, you could make a sundae out of me!

Jason: That sounds sticky.
Me: Yeah, you’re probably right. Thinking about it now, rainbow sprinkles turn your tongue different colors. That would be pretty awkward if you got sprinkles in your hoo-ha and it turned it rainbow. I wonder how long that would last for. I bet all that sugar would be itchy too. And what if you missed some of the sprinkles? That would be super weird if they were falling out of you all day. But then you could explain to people that you literally do piss rainbows. It would be a very unique calling. I’m sure there’s someone, somewhere that would pay good money for that.
Jason: You’re probably right . . .
Me: Capital business ideas. That’s what I’m here for. Let’s get ice cream.

Watching Jason Play Video Games : Mass Effect: Andromeda

Me: Ok. this doesn’t make any sense
Jason: What doesn’t?
Me: They’re in open space, and said that wreckage floating out there had been smoldering for a decade. Nothing would burn in space for a decade. What, did the ship have an endless supply of oxygen?
Jason:  . . . .
Me: Seriously, if they’re going to spend this much money on graphics and a plausible story, you would think they could get some basic aspects of physics right.
Jason: It is just a video game.
Me: But look at some of the creatures on these planets. They don’t even make sense for survival or the habitat.
Jason: You should stop over analyzing this. It’s a video game.
Me: But how are they able to survive -40C without their helmets on? And how will this inter-species love story work? Where would Scott even stick it?!
Jason: Go Away.
Me: NO. EXPLAIN TO ME HOW HE AND VETRA ARE GOING TO GET IT ON. SHE HAS DOUBLE KNEES.
Jason:  I’m done for today. Let’s take the dogs for a walk.

THE GREAT GOOSE RECKONING (aka why we don’t go to parks)

Jason: I kind of want to let Henry off the leash in front of all these geese and see what happens.

Me: I kind of do too, except they’re like 5 times the size of him. They’ll break his neck.

Jason lets Henry off the leash. Henry gets close and geese start hissing and flapping their wings. Henry backs off terrified.

Me: Huh. Well now we know. Look at that one over there sitting by himself in the bushes. He’s got feathers all over his beak and isn’t moving. Do you think he’s sick?

Jason: He’s probably just cooling off. Look, he’s panting. Geese pant to cool off.

Me: But what if something’s wrong with him? The feathers make him look like he’s rabid. Is there such thing as rabid goose syndrome? Is this something we have to worry about? Or maybe he’s biding his time until we get closer to the lake and he can box us in and shoo us to our untimely demise. We’re much weaker in the water.

Jason: No, I don’t think geese can have rabies.

Me: Ok, because having a flock of rabid geese chasing us through the park to the car is the last thing I want right now. Those squirrels over there are huge and menacing. They probably team up with the geese to take down passers-by and mug them. I can see that big fat brown one giving me the side eye. Thug. And there’s goose shit everywhere and Henry lunges for it every chance he gets. We would have to abandon Wookie to save ourselves. And Henry too. We’d never make it out otherwise.

Henry grabs a huge mouthful of goose poop and gleefully throws it into the air

Me: See? Lets go back to the car before the goose apocalypse starts.

Jason: Huh. Well, for Henry  goose poop is probably a delicacy. You know how much he likes horse shit. “Feces a la vert.” It’s more French than French.

Me: I’m going back to the car. Henry can ride in your lap.

City Squirrels
They’re waiting.