I was on an airplane and this was the only movie option. After watching it in its entirety, I’ve written this review to save you an hour and a half of your life. You’re welcome.
Sister #1, Jo. Annoying, abrasive, and hyperactive. Rejects the dude that likes her and refuses to grow up. Throws a tantrum when any of her work is critiqued. Squanders anything useful that’s presented to her. Marries some random German guy in the end, I think.
Sister #2, Meg: Boring and makes poor choices. If she was the one picking the chalice in Indiana Jones, she’d be a withered skeleton on the floor. Although I empathized with that skeleton after watching her character development.
Sister #3, Beth: The most insipid of all the characters. Does us all a favor and dies halfway through the movie, because there was no recovering from that story line.
Sister #4, Amy: The only interesting character in this entire movie. Finds a rich aunt, travels Europe, marries the dude she always liked, gets rich, paints the rest of her life, FTW. She is also credited with the best scene in the movie: torching her sister’s manuscript page by page.
That’s pretty much all there was with the exception of some sickly children and a forgettable performance by Meryl Streep. Also, some guy who kept yelling and flailing his arms. Use this as a cautionary tale and always remember to keep your device charger physically on you.
Me: I’m getting all this shit confused. We have Labor Day, Memorial Day, President’s Day weekend, Martin Luther King Jr. Day . . .
Wait. Isn’t there a Black Awareness Month?
Jason: Don’t you mean Black History Month?
Me: Mmmm. Yeah. Was definitely thinking about October being Breast Cancer Awareness month and my brain combined the two. Seriously. Of all the fucking things to die from, what kind of fucking marketing do you need to get an entire month dedicated to “Breast Cancer Awareness”? Not saying it isn’t important, just saying lots of people die from lots of other shit and they don’t get a month dedicated to them.
Jason: I see what your brain did there. And yes, lots and lots of marketing.
Me: Right. So. What the fuck is Flag Day? Isn’t it in June? Is that the day we get to put whatever the fuck flag we want in front of our house because it’s Flag Day?
“Let’s put the flag of Brazil in front this year!” “NO! We put a South American flag in front last year!” “Ok, well what if we place a pirate flag in front this year?”
Jason: No. Flag day is about the American flag.
Me: Well that’s stupid. It would be way more interesting if we could put pirate flags in the front yard on Flag Day.
This is Linus. Linus is a gnome that likes to be miserable and spread his disenchantment throughout the word. Follow Linus and watch him be a total dick to everyone he comes across. Equal Opportunity Asshole Gnome (EOAG.)
Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.
Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.
Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.
Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.
Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.
Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?
Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!
Jason: I thought you said I should!!
Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .
GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.
I was sitting at our local overpriced and wildly underwhelming Chinese restaurant, and Animal Planet was on in the background. It featured the designer who re-did spaces to exclusively cater to pets. One was about parrots, and the next was about a menagerie of animals and included an elaborate cage/tunnel system for the ferrets running all over the place (and IMHO they freaking stink and I would never want them shitting around my house.)
But then I suddenly remembered this woman I worked with, and she would talk about her ferrets all day. At the time, she had recently adopted three but one had developed a cold. I felt bad for her at first, and listened to her talk about how when it developed “a death rattle cough,” she knew it was the end. Then she proceeded to tell me that every ferret she had ever had, she took an impression of its foot in a mold and had them displayed around the house. I asked her what she did when they died, and she told me that they had each been cremated and kept organized in little shoe boxes, until she and her husband passed away so all their ashes could be mixed together. Hearing this, I felt a little relieved they had been cremated, because I started to have images of her house filled with taxidermied ferrets posed in different ways wearing little outfits. It seemed plausible with her. I would of. Unable to stop myself, I asked how many ferrets had currently departed for the great ferret hole in the sky. She said 32.
I shared this with our bar tender, and he said “Yeah. I get it. When I was a kid, my mom decided she was going to try and breed chinchillas. Unfortunately it didn’t work out, and they all died, and she figured she could have them used to make a pillow or something. But then she never got around to it, and we had three dead chinchillas in our freezer from the time I was in middle school to college. They were in there for a solid decade before my dad told her to either make her damn pillow or he was going to get rid of them himself. After that there was finally space in the freezer again. She never tried to breed them again though.”
I realized I’ve been selling myself short on creative possibilities recently, and am thinking of getting on board with the save-reuse-recycle movement. The possibilities are endless, I just need to go clear some freezer space.
Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Me: Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.