Life Lessons From Red Dead Redemption II

Me: Oh man, there must have been horses though here recently. That smells strong.

Jason: The flies have picked up too. Jeep turns up and around the corner 

Me: HOLY SHEEP!

Damn. That’s a lot of sheep. You want me to get out and move them along?

Jason: Don’t worry, I got this! I just finished playing Red Dead Redemption and learned everything I need to know about how to herd sheep.

Sheep blare unhappily and stare blankly at Jeep for several minutes

Jason: . . . .

Me:  . . . .

You want me to get out and help?

Jason: Yeah, actually. That would be great.

Me: Ok. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Red Dead Redemption II, Part 1

Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.

Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.

Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.

Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.

Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.

Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?

Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!

Jason: I thought you said I should!!

Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .

GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.

Jason: Fucking Micah.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Sea of Thieves

Me: Are you shooting live cannons at a ghost ship?

Jason: Yes.

Me: Wait, are they cannon shooting Banshees at you?

Jason: Yea, didn’t you hear the screaming as the last one flew by?

Me: But how is this working? It’s a ghost ship. Cannons would go right through it. And who shoots a Banshee? What’s it going to do, yell AHHH, and be annoying on the fly-by?

Jason: It’s just how it works. It’s the first time I’ve come across a banshee, so I’ve never fought one.

Me: It looks like it’s retreating. Why would a ghost ship need to retreat? They’re all dead anyway.

Jason: *Turns wheel of ship furiously* Dammit. This is why I need you to play too. I need someone to pilot the ship while I shoot the damn things otherwise I get too off course.

Me: So they aren’t retreating, you’re just losing.  Is that land ahead of you?

Jason: *blinks*
I’m not losing. I’m taking an evasive maneuver.
GOD DAMMIT.  I ran aground because I didn’t have anyone to drive the ship.

Me: . . . .

Jason: It’s true.

Me: I wish I had a Banshee Cannon.

Crafting with Dead Animals Part 1

I was sitting at our local overpriced and wildly underwhelming Chinese restaurant, and Animal Planet was on in the background. It featured the designer who re-did spaces to exclusively cater to pets. One was about parrots, and the next was about a menagerie of animals and included an elaborate cage/tunnel system for the ferrets running all over the place (and IMHO they freaking stink and I would never want them shitting around my house.)
But then I suddenly remembered this woman I worked with, and she would talk about her ferrets all day. At the time, she had recently adopted three but one had developed a cold. I felt bad for her at first, and listened to her talk about how when it developed “a death rattle cough,” she knew it was the end. Then she proceeded to tell me that every ferret she had ever had, she took an impression of its foot in a mold and had them displayed around the house. I asked her what she did when they died, and she told me that they had each been cremated and kept organized in little shoe boxes, until she and her husband passed away so all their ashes could be mixed together. Hearing this, I felt a little relieved they had been cremated, because I started to have images of her house filled with taxidermied ferrets posed in different ways wearing little outfits. It seemed plausible with her. I would of. Unable to stop myself, I asked how many ferrets had currently departed for the great ferret hole in the sky. She said 32.
I shared this with our bar tender, and he said “Yeah. I get it. When I was a kid, my mom decided she was going to try and breed chinchillas. Unfortunately it didn’t work out, and they all died, and she figured she could have them used to make a pillow or something. But then she never got around to it, and we had three dead chinchillas in our freezer from the time I was in middle school to college. They were in there for a solid decade before my dad told her to either make her damn pillow or he was going to get rid of them himself. After that there was finally space in the freezer again. She never tried to breed them again though.”
I realized I’ve been selling myself short on creative possibilities recently, and am thinking of getting on board with the save-reuse-recycle movement. The possibilities are endless, I just need to go clear some freezer space.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Mad Max

Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Jason: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me:  Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.

Dinner Conversations Part Two: Highlander or Viking?

Me: I cant stand the suburbs of (town). Whenever we drive through, I feel like I should drink every time I see yoga pants. I would be fucking lit before we left the subdivision.
Jason: I actually like it there. It seems like there’s some normal people.
Me: You’re not slowly trying to lead me towards suburbs and children are you? Because if that’s the case we have a conversation we need to have and I have bags I need to pack.
Jason: No no, that’s the exact opposite of what you should be worried about. I’m coming from the position that I would be stealing wives of (town) and talking them out of their yoga pants.
Me: You know, it’s a small community. Word would probably spread quickly and I don’t think their husbands would take too kindly to that.
Jason: It’s borrowing, not stealing. They seem neighborly down there.
Me: Is this something else I should be worried about?
Jason: No, no you shouldn’t.
Me: OK then.
Jason picks up his steak with both hand and takes a huge bite out of it.
Me: You really should have been a Norse invader or a clansmen the way you’re biting into that steak. All furry with war paint. Wielding a fucking ax or broadsword or something like that.
Jason: I told you I have no couth. And it would be a fucking ax. And which end I used would depend on the day. Is it all business or pleasure? Rape or pillage? Ugh. That piece was a little fattier than I thought.
Me: I’m sure you never said that after a drunken night.
Jason: No, actually, I haven’t.
Me: (sigh.) Just remember to pillage before you burn.
Jason: Noted.