Damn You, Reddit
Author: carpeabsurdo
Snowpocalypse
Pretty Much.
Aren’t You Glad We’re Friends?
Little Women: An Honest Review
I was on an airplane and this was the only movie option. After watching it in its entirety, I’ve written this review to save you an hour and a half of your life. You’re welcome.
Sister #1, Jo. Annoying, abrasive, and hyperactive. Rejects the dude that likes her and refuses to grow up. Throws a tantrum when any of her work is critiqued. Squanders anything useful that’s presented to her. Marries some random German guy in the end, I think.
Sister #2, Meg: Boring and makes poor choices. If she was the one picking the chalice in Indiana Jones, she’d be a withered skeleton on the floor. Although I empathized with that skeleton after watching her character development.
Sister #3, Beth: The most insipid of all the characters. Does us all a favor and dies halfway through the movie, because there was no recovering from that story line.
Sister #4, Amy: The only interesting character in this entire movie. Finds a rich aunt, travels Europe, marries the dude she always liked, gets rich, paints the rest of her life, FTW. She is also credited with the best scene in the movie: torching her sister’s manuscript page by page.
That’s pretty much all there was with the exception of some sickly children and a forgettable performance by Meryl Streep. Also, some guy who kept yelling and flailing his arms. Use this as a cautionary tale and always remember to keep your device charger physically on you.
Things That Happen: Tourists, Rain, and When Your Favorite Pizza Place has a 2 Hour Delay For No Good Reason.
I WAS HAVING A SHITTY WEEK, OK?
Life Lessons From Red Dead Redemption II
Me: Oh man, there must have been horses though here recently. That smells strong.
Jason: The flies have picked up too. Jeep turns up and around the corner
Me: HOLY SHEEP!
Damn. That’s a lot of sheep. You want me to get out and move them along?
Jason: Don’t worry, I got this! I just finished playing Red Dead Redemption and learned everything I need to know about how to herd sheep.
Sheep blare unhappily and stare blankly at Jeep for several minutes
Jason: . . . .
Me: . . . .
You want me to get out and help?
Jason: Yeah, actually. That would be great.
Me: Ok. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.
Watching Jason Play Video Games: Sea of Thieves
Me: Are you shooting live cannons at a ghost ship?
Jason: Yes.
Me: Wait, are they cannon shooting Banshees at you?
Jason: Yea, didn’t you hear the screaming as the last one flew by?
Me: But how is this working? It’s a ghost ship. Cannons would go right through it. And who shoots a Banshee? What’s it going to do, yell AHHH, and be annoying on the fly-by?
Jason: It’s just how it works. It’s the first time I’ve come across a banshee, so I’ve never fought one.
Me: It looks like it’s retreating. Why would a ghost ship need to retreat? They’re all dead anyway.
Jason: *Turns wheel of ship furiously* Dammit. This is why I need you to play too. I need someone to pilot the ship while I shoot the damn things otherwise I get too off course.
Me: So they aren’t retreating, you’re just losing. Is that land ahead of you?
Jason: *blinks*
I’m not losing. I’m taking an evasive maneuver.
GOD DAMMIT. I ran aground because I didn’t have anyone to drive the ship.
Me: . . . .
Jason: It’s true.
Me: I wish I had a Banshee Cannon.
Crafting with Dead Animals Part 1
I was sitting at our local overpriced and wildly underwhelming Chinese restaurant, and Animal Planet was on in the background. It featured the designer who re-did spaces to exclusively cater to pets. One was about parrots, and the next was about a menagerie of animals and included an elaborate cage/tunnel system for the ferrets running all over the place (and IMHO they freaking stink and I would never want them shitting around my house.)
But then I suddenly remembered this woman I worked with, and she would talk about her ferrets all day. At the time, she had recently adopted three but one had developed a cold. I felt bad for her at first, and listened to her talk about how when it developed “a death rattle cough,” she knew it was the end. Then she proceeded to tell me that every ferret she had ever had, she took an impression of its foot in a mold and had them displayed around the house. I asked her what she did when they died, and she told me that they had each been cremated and kept organized in little shoe boxes, until she and her husband passed away so all their ashes could be mixed together. Hearing this, I felt a little relieved they had been cremated, because I started to have images of her house filled with taxidermied ferrets posed in different ways wearing little outfits. It seemed plausible with her. I would of. Unable to stop myself, I asked how many ferrets had currently departed for the great ferret hole in the sky. She said 32.
I shared this with our bar tender, and he said “Yeah. I get it. When I was a kid, my mom decided she was going to try and breed chinchillas. Unfortunately it didn’t work out, and they all died, and she figured she could have them used to make a pillow or something. But then she never got around to it, and we had three dead chinchillas in our freezer from the time I was in middle school to college. They were in there for a solid decade before my dad told her to either make her damn pillow or he was going to get rid of them himself. After that there was finally space in the freezer again. She never tried to breed them again though.”
I realized I’ve been selling myself short on creative possibilities recently, and am thinking of getting on board with the save-reuse-recycle movement. The possibilities are endless, I just need to go clear some freezer space.
Watching Jason Play Video Games: Mad Max
Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Jason: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.
Carpe Absurdo 
You must be logged in to post a comment.