I was on an airplane and this was the only movie option. After watching it in its entirety, I’ve written this review to save you an hour and a half of your life. You’re welcome.
Sister #1, Jo. Annoying, abrasive, and hyperactive. Rejects the dude that likes her and refuses to grow up. Throws a tantrum when any of her work is critiqued. Squanders anything useful that’s presented to her. Marries some random German guy in the end, I think.
Sister #2, Meg: Boring and makes poor choices. If she was the one picking the chalice in Indiana Jones, she’d be a withered skeleton on the floor. Although I empathized with that skeleton after watching her character development.
Sister #3, Beth: The most insipid of all the characters. Does us all a favor and dies halfway through the movie, because there was no recovering from that story line.
Sister #4, Amy: The only interesting character in this entire movie. Finds a rich aunt, travels Europe, marries the dude she always liked, gets rich, paints the rest of her life, FTW. She is also credited with the best scene in the movie: torching her sister’s manuscript page by page.
That’s pretty much all there was with the exception of some sickly children and a forgettable performance by Meryl Streep. Also, some guy who kept yelling and flailing his arms. Use this as a cautionary tale and always remember to keep your device charger physically on you.
Me: Are you shooting live cannons at a ghost ship?
Me: Wait, are they cannon shooting Banshees at you?
Jason: Yea, didn’t you hear the screaming as the last one flew by?
Me: But how is this working? It’s a ghost ship. Cannons would go right through it. And who shoots a Banshee? What’s it going to do, yell AHHH, and be annoying on the fly-by?
Jason: It’s just how it works. It’s the first time I’ve come across a banshee, so I’ve never fought one.
Me: It looks like it’s retreating. Why would a ghost ship need to retreat? They’re all dead anyway.
Jason: *Turns wheel of ship furiously* Dammit. This is why I need you to play too. I need someone to pilot the ship while I shoot the damn things otherwise I get too off course.
Me: So they aren’t retreating, you’re just losing. Is that land ahead of you?
I’m not losing. I’m taking an evasive maneuver.
GOD DAMMIT. I ran aground because I didn’t have anyone to drive the ship.
Me: . . . .
Jason: It’s true.
Me: I wish I had a Banshee Cannon.
Me: You know, I can see why boobs are so fun to play with. Perky is definitely a thing. They just keep bouncing back! It’s a good thing guys don’t have boobs or that’s all they would do. I’m pretty sure they would end up starving or something.
Jason: Exactly. If had a vagina, I would fuck everything in this house. Pot handles, the tail of that ceramic parrot, candlesticks, you name it. Everything would be fair game. Just like a cat, if it fits, I sits.
Me: I learn something new about you every day.
Me: Let’s go to the grocery store to get stuff for ice cream sundaes. We should go all out and get sprinkles and stuff. Ehehehe, you could make a sundae out of me!