This shit must have been gifted.
Did I leave the kettle one?
Crap Taxidermy, For Your Pleasure
Dinner Conversations Part Two: Highlander or Viking?
Me: I cant stand the suburbs of (town). Whenever we drive through, I feel like I should drink every time I see yoga pants. I would be fucking lit before we left the subdivision.
Jason: I actually like it there. It seems like there’s some normal people.
Me: You’re not slowly trying to lead me towards suburbs and children are you? Because if that’s the case we have a conversation we need to have and I have bags I need to pack.
Jason: No no, that’s the exact opposite of what you should be worried about. I’m coming from the position that I would be stealing wives of (town) and talking them out of their yoga pants.
Me: You know, it’s a small community. Word would probably spread quickly and I don’t think their husbands would take too kindly to that.
Jason: It’s borrowing, not stealing. They seem neighborly down there.
Me: Is this something else I should be worried about?
Jason: No, no you shouldn’t.
Me: OK then.
Jason picks up his steak with both hand and takes a huge bite out of it.
Me: You really should have been a Norse invader or a clansmen the way you’re biting into that steak. All furry with war paint. Wielding a fucking ax or broadsword or something like that.
Jason: I told you I have no couth. And it would be a fucking ax. And which end I used would depend on the day. Is it all business or pleasure? Rape or pillage? Ugh. That piece was a little fattier than I thought.
Me: I’m sure you never said that after a drunken night.
Jason: No, actually, I haven’t.
Me: Well. I suppose as long as you remember to pillage before you burn. . .
Jason: Noted.
Dinner Conversations Part One: Why Men Shouldn’t Have Vaginas
Me: You know, I can see why boobs are so fun to play with. Perky is definitely a thing. They just keep bouncing back! It’s a good thing guys don’t have boobs or that’s all they would do. I’m pretty sure they would end up starving or something.
Jason: Exactly. If had a vagina, I would fuck everything in this house. Pot handles, the tail of that ceramic parrot, candlesticks, you name it. Everything would be fair game. Just like a cat, if it fits, I sits.
Me: I learn something new about you every day.
Things That Probably Shouldn’t Be Done with Sprinkles
Me: Let’s go to the grocery store to get stuff for ice cream sundaes. We should go all out and get sprinkles and stuff. Ehehehe, you could make a sundae out of me!
Jason: That sounds sticky.
Me: Yeah, you’re probably right. Thinking about it now, rainbow sprinkles turn your tongue different colors. That would be pretty awkward if you got sprinkles in your hoo-ha and it turned it rainbow. I wonder how long that would last for. I bet all that sugar would be itchy too. And what if you missed some of the sprinkles? That would be super weird if they were falling out of you all day. But then you could explain to people that you literally do piss rainbows. It would be a very unique calling. I’m sure there’s someone, somewhere that would pay good money for that.
Jason: You’re probably right . . .
Me: Capital business ideas. That’s what I’m here for. Let’s get ice cream.
Watching Jason Play Video Games : Mass Effect: Andromeda
Me: Ok. this doesn’t make any sense
Jason: What doesn’t?
Me: They’re in open space, and said that wreckage floating out there had been smoldering for a decade. Nothing would burn in space for a decade. What, did the ship have an endless supply of oxygen?
Jason: . . . .
Me: Seriously, if they’re going to spend this much money on graphics and a plausible story, you would think they could get some basic aspects of physics right.
Jason: It is just a video game.
Me: But look at some of the creatures on these planets. They don’t even make sense for survival or the habitat.
Jason: You should stop over analyzing this. It’s a video game.
Me: But how are they able to survive -40C without their helmets on? And how will this inter-species love story work? Where would Scott even stick it?!
Jason: Go Away.
Me: NO. EXPLAIN TO ME HOW HE AND VETRA ARE GOING TO GET IT ON. SHE HAS DOUBLE KNEES.
Jason: I’m done for today. Let’s take the dogs for a walk.
THE GREAT GOOSE RECKONING (aka why we don’t go to parks)
Jason: I kind of want to let Henry off the leash in front of all these geese and see what happens.
Me: I kind of do too, except they’re like 5 times the size of him. They’ll break his neck.
Jason lets Henry off the leash. Henry gets close and geese start hissing and flapping their wings. Henry backs off terrified.
Me: Huh. Well now we know. Look at that one over there sitting by himself in the bushes. He’s got feathers all over his beak and isn’t moving. Do you think he’s sick?
Jason: He’s probably just cooling off. Look, he’s panting. Geese pant to cool off.
Me: But what if something’s wrong with him? The feathers make him look like he’s rabid. Is there such thing as rabid goose syndrome? Is this something we have to worry about? Or maybe he’s biding his time until we get closer to the lake and he can box us in and shoo us to our untimely demise. We’re much weaker in the water.
Jason: No, I don’t think geese can have rabies.
Me: Ok, because having a flock of rabid geese chasing us through the park to the car is the last thing I want right now. Those squirrels over there are huge and menacing. They probably team up with the geese to take down passers-by and mug them. I can see that big fat brown one giving me the side eye. Thug. And there’s goose shit everywhere and Henry lunges for it every chance he gets. We would have to abandon Wookie to save ourselves. And Henry too. We’d never make it out otherwise.
Henry grabs a huge mouthful of goose poop and gleefully throws it into the air
Me: See? Lets go back to the car before the goose apocalypse starts.
Jason: Huh. Well, for Henry goose poop is probably a delicacy. You know how much he likes horse shit. “Feces a la vert.” It’s more French than French.
Me: I’m going back to the car. Henry can ride in your lap.
You Can’t Deny Nature
Me: So I was researching Rattlesnakes today. Apparently they nest in mountain valleys upwards of 11,000 ft, like damp areas, and prefer temperatures of 50-80 degrees. It looks like they hide during mid day. So I’m safe to walk the dogs at noon. Look, they’re little, and I don’t think Henry would make it if he stumbled across one.
Jason: So we can add this to the ever growing list of your anxieties?
Me: Exactly.
Jason: Heights, snakes, God you’re just like my mom.
Me: Yes, you have successfully married your mother. Congratulations, the Oedipal complex has come full circle.
How Much is That Boobie in the Window?
Our condo complex is situated so the four condos on either side face each other under a roofed atrium. The downside of this (or upside) is that each interior bedroom window faces out to the atrium, and consequently all the other bedroom windows. Generally, most of those windows have blinds that are drawn at all times. There is some sunlight and a breeze that makes it through the top of the atrium, so periodically I open all our blinds and windows to defunk our condo from dog.
Our neighbors across the way were a young couple, who had only purchased the place a few months back. Their first roommate didn’t work out because her dog barked too much, and for a while that interior room was unoccupied. Several weeks ago we noticed a new girl taking their Border Collie out for walks, so we assumed she was a new roommate and didn’t think much of it. We never met her, aside from small talk in passing. The owners mentioned that they were heading out for the summer and that someone else would be renting the entire place from them for a few months, and they would be leaving shortly.
A few days after we learned this, I was closing up for the night and went into the guest bedroom to close the blinds. I noticed that the blinds across the way were mostly open with really bright lights on. All of a sudden, the girl we didn’t really know strutted forward and ripped off her jacket bearing her breasts as she did some kind of twirl. At first, I thought, Oh Shit! She’s entertaining! Close the blinds! Until I realized that there was nobody else with her. She began adjusting the lights in her room, and what I realized was a camera on top of her computer. Now, if I was a wholesome, decent person, I would have looked away and shut the blinds. But I’m not. The first thing I did was whisper-yell “JASON, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS! OUR NEIGHBOR IS ONE OF THOSE LIVE CAM SEX GIRLS AND IT’S SHOWTIME! Boobies for days!!!” (after I switched off all our lights and hid to the side of the window.) I’m also pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve seen Jason move in my life.
For the next 20 minutes or so we watched as she braced herself against the back of her headboard, smacked her ass, and pulled the biggest black dildo I have ever seen out of nowhere. (Nowhere?) This clearly wasn’t her first rodeo. Do the owners know how she gets her rent money or about her studio? Because if they do I have more questions. After watching much more aerial leg movement, I went to bed, and Jason said a few hours later she was still going strong. As it happened, next day was move out day, and we never saw her again. On the upside, it did save me from running into her again with the dogs, because I really don’t think I would be able to resist asking how her dildo collection was doing. It’s been disappointingly quiet here since then.
She Knows What She’s Doing
We had a concert to go to after Jason finished demoing some mountain bikes, so he brought a change of clothes with him so he didn’t have to keep wearing his bike shorts all night. The following is what happened after we parked downtown, mid afternoon.
Jason: God I can’t wait to get out of these shorts.
Me: Yeah. but there’s people everywhere. I know you’re cool showing off your ballsack to the world, but I don’t think everyone else is ok with seeing it.
Jason: Yeah, I know. Help me find the sun shield. That should give me some privacy from the front.
Me: God dammit, we need to sort out our summer and winter gear, I cant find anything back here. OK, here it is. Oh man, I’ll shut my door so that family in the yard next to us doesn’t see you. Looks like they’re having a garage sale.
Jason: Oh I didn’t even see them! See, it’s this kind of shit that I’m worried will get me arrested.
Jason starts to take off his bike shorts in the drivers seat
Me: Oh shit!!! There’s a little girl with her grandma! Where did they come from?? Change faster!!!
Jason: I can’t I’m stuck! GAH! This is EXACTLY what I was worried about!!
Jason hands me his sweaty bike shorts that he’s turned inside out as he scrambles for his underwear
Me: Ewww. I don’t want these! And I don’t want your sweaty stinky ball cup touching the beers! Gross! I’m putting them here. Oh man that girl was like 12 too. Oh phew they’re gone, the coast is clear.
Jason: She was not 12. She was like 17.
Me: Dude there’s no way. She was a little kid.
Jason: Did you see her face?! That girl looked like she knew what to do with a dick.
Me: . . . . .(looking at Jason with slanted eyes)
Are you ready yet?
Jason: Yes.
Me: Good. Lets go.
Watching Jason Play Video Games: Dead Rising 4
Me: If the zombies are dead then why is blood still spraying everywhere?
Jason: Well clearly they still have blood.
Me: But they’re dead and their heart would still have to be beating and creating pressure to make it spray like that. And they would have to still be warm and have blood moving or it would congeal. Seriously, you’re the medical expert. I like his Cupid costume though.
Jason. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: The biology really isn’t lining up here.
Jason: THE POINT OF THE GAME is running around blowing up as much stuff as possible and creating mayhem in the messiest way possible. It’s a 16 years-olds jack-off dream. It doesn’t have to make sense. Now let me run around and kill things.
Me: Fine. But I don’t understand how these people got in here. And why are they just standing around? It’s a quarantined zone and you would think they would be wanting to get far the fuck away from zombies. I would be.
Jason: They’re just there to sell you things. It’s like a home-base check point.
Me: Well I think that’s pretty unethical to sell weapons like that for survival. I don’t even see how they could smuggle all those weapons in there in the first place. You would think they would at least use them for their own survival, if not to help get other people get out.
Jason: Gives me the shut up and go away death stare
Me: Fine. I’m going to go decorate my skeleton dog string lights.
Jason: You do that.
I think Jason was just mad because I keep eating all the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms.
Carpe Absurdo 
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