This shit must have been gifted.
Me: You know, I can see why boobs are so fun to play with. Perky is definitely a thing. They just keep bouncing back! It’s a good thing guys don’t have boobs or that’s all they would do. I’m pretty sure they would end up starving or something.
Jason: Exactly. If had a vagina, I would fuck everything in this house. Pot handles, the tail of that ceramic parrot, candlesticks, you name it. Everything would be fair game. Just like a cat, if it fits, I sits.
Me: I learn something new about you every day.
Me: Let’s go to the grocery store to get stuff for ice cream sundaes. We should go all out and get sprinkles and stuff. Ehehehe, you could make a sundae out of me!
Jason: I kind of want to let Henry off the leash in front of all these geese and see what happens.
Me: I kind of do too, except they’re like 5 times the size of him. They’ll break his neck.
Jason lets Henry off the leash. Henry gets close and geese start hissing and flapping their wings. Henry backs off terrified.
Me: Huh. Well now we know. Look at that one over there sitting by himself in the bushes. He’s got feathers all over his beak and isn’t moving. Do you think he’s sick?
Jason: He’s probably just cooling off. Look, he’s panting. Geese pant to cool off.
Me: But what if something’s wrong with him? The feathers make him look like he’s rabid. Is there such thing as rabid goose syndrome? Is this something we have to worry about? Or maybe he’s biding his time until we get closer to the lake and he can box us in and shoo us to our untimely demise. We’re much weaker in the water.
Jason: No, I don’t think geese can have rabies.
Me: Ok, because having a flock of rabid geese chasing us through the park to the car is the last thing I want right now. Those squirrels over there are huge and menacing. They probably team up with the geese to take down passers-by and mug them. I can see that big fat brown one giving me the side eye. Thug. And there’s goose shit everywhere and Henry lunges for it every chance he gets. We would have to abandon Wookie to save ourselves. And Henry too. We’d never make it out otherwise.
Henry grabs a huge mouthful of goose poop and gleefully throws it into the air
Me: See? Lets go back to the car before the goose apocalypse starts.
Jason: Huh. Well, for Henry goose poop is probably a delicacy. You know how much he likes horse shit. “Feces a la vert.” It’s more French than French.
Me: I’m going back to the car. Henry can ride in your lap.
For the next 20 minutes or so we watched as she braced herself against the back of her headboard, smacked her ass, and pulled the biggest black dildo I have ever seen out of nowhere. (Nowhere?) This clearly wasn’t her first rodeo. Do the owners know how she gets her rent money or about her studio? Because if they do I have more questions. After watching much more aerial leg movement, I went to bed, and Jason said a few hours later she was still going strong. As it happened, next day was move out day, and we never saw her again. On the upside, it did save me from running into her again with the dogs, because I really don’t think I would be able to resist asking how her dildo collection was doing. It’s been disappointingly quiet here since then.