Watching Jason Play Video Games: Red Dead Redemption II, Part 1

Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.

Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.

Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.

Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.

Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.

Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?

Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!

Jason: I thought you said I should!!

Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .

GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.

Jason: Fucking Micah.

You Can’t Deny Nature

Me: So I was researching Rattlesnakes today. Apparently they nest in mountain valleys upwards of 11,000 ft,  like damp areas, and prefer temperatures of 50-80 degrees. It looks like they hide during mid day. So I’m safe to walk the dogs at noon. Look, they’re little, and I don’t think Henry would make it if he stumbled across one.
Jason: So we can add this to the ever growing list of your anxieties?
Me: Exactly.
Jason: Heights, snakes, God you’re just like my mom.
Me: Yes, you have successfully married your mother. Congratulations, the Oedipal complex has come full circle.

She Knows What She’s Doing

We had a concert to go to after Jason finished demoing some mountain bikes, so he brought a change of clothes with him so he didn’t have to keep wearing his bike shorts all night. The following is what happened after we parked downtown, mid afternoon.
Jason: God I can’t wait to get out of these shorts.
Me: Yeah. but there’s people everywhere. I know you’re cool showing off your ballsack to the world, but I don’t think everyone else is ok with seeing it.
Jason: Yeah, I know. Help me find the sun shield. That should give me some privacy from the front.
Me: God dammit, we need to sort out our summer and winter gear, I cant find anything back here. OK, here it is. Oh man, I’ll shut my door so that family in the yard next to us doesn’t see you. Looks like they’re having a garage sale.
Jason: Oh I didn’t even see them! See, it’s this kind of shit that I’m worried will get me arrested.
Jason starts to take off his bike shorts in the drivers seat
Me: Oh shit!!! There’s a little girl with her grandma! Where did they come from?? Change faster!!!
Jason: I can’t I’m stuck! GAH! This is EXACTLY what I was worried about!!
Jason hands me his sweaty bike shorts that he’s turned inside out as he scrambles for his underwear
Me: Ewww. I don’t want these! And I don’t want your sweaty stinky ball cup touching the beers! Gross! I’m putting them here. Oh man that girl was like 12 too. Oh phew they’re gone, the coast is clear.
Jason: She was not 12. She was like 17.
Me: Dude there’s no way. She was a little kid.
Jason: Did you see her face?! That girl looked like she knew what to do with a dick. 
 
Me:  . . . . .(looking at Jason with slanted eyes)
 
Are you ready yet?
Jason: Yes.
Me: Good. Lets go.