I WAS HAVING A SHITTY WEEK, OK?
Life Lessons From Red Dead Redemption II
Me: Oh man, there must have been horses though here recently. That smells strong.
Jason: The flies have picked up too. Jeep turns up and around the corner
Me: HOLY SHEEP!
Damn. That’s a lot of sheep. You want me to get out and move them along?
Jason: Don’t worry, I got this! I just finished playing Red Dead Redemption and learned everything I need to know about how to herd sheep.
Sheep blare unhappily and stare blankly at Jeep for several minutes
Jason: . . . .
Me: . . . .
You want me to get out and help?
Jason: Yeah, actually. That would be great.
Me: Ok. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.
Crap Taxidermy, For Your Pleasure
You Can’t Deny Nature
Me: So I was researching Rattlesnakes today. Apparently they nest in mountain valleys upwards of 11,000 ft, like damp areas, and prefer temperatures of 50-80 degrees. It looks like they hide during mid day. So I’m safe to walk the dogs at noon. Look, they’re little, and I don’t think Henry would make it if he stumbled across one.
Jason: So we can add this to the ever growing list of your anxieties?
Jason: Heights, snakes, God you’re just like my mom.
Me: Yes, you have successfully married your mother. Congratulations, the Oedipal complex has come full circle.
She Knows What She’s Doing
We had a concert to go to after Jason finished demoing some mountain bikes, so he brought a change of clothes with him so he didn’t have to keep wearing his bike shorts all night. The following is what happened after we parked downtown, mid afternoon.
Jason: God I can’t wait to get out of these shorts.
Me: Yeah. but there’s people everywhere. I know you’re cool showing off your ballsack to the world, but I don’t think everyone else is ok with seeing it.
Jason: Yeah, I know. Help me find the sun shield. That should give me some privacy from the front.
Me: God dammit, we need to sort out our summer and winter gear, I cant find anything back here. OK, here it is. Oh man, I’ll shut my door so that family in the yard next to us doesn’t see you. Looks like they’re having a garage sale.
Jason: Oh I didn’t even see them! See, it’s this kind of shit that I’m worried will get me arrested.
Jason starts to take off his bike shorts in the drivers seat
Me: Oh shit!!! There’s a little girl with her grandma! Where did they come from?? Change faster!!!
Jason: I can’t I’m stuck! GAH! This is EXACTLY what I was worried about!!
Jason hands me his sweaty bike shorts that he’s turned inside out as he scrambles for his underwear
Me: Ewww. I don’t want these! And I don’t want your sweaty stinky ball cup touching the beers! Gross! I’m putting them here. Oh man that girl was like 12 too. Oh phew they’re gone, the coast is clear.
Jason: She was not 12. She was like 17.
Me: Dude there’s no way. She was a little kid.
Jason: Did you see her face?! That girl looked like she knew what to do with a dick.
Me: . . . . .(looking at Jason with slanted eyes)
Are you ready yet?
Me: Good. Lets go.
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