Life Lessons From Red Dead Redemption II

Me: Oh man, there must have been horses though here recently. That smells strong.

Jason: The flies have picked up too. Jeep turns up and around the corner 

Me: HOLY SHEEP!

Damn. That’s a lot of sheep. You want me to get out and move them along?

Jason: Don’t worry, I got this! I just finished playing Red Dead Redemption and learned everything I need to know about how to herd sheep.

Sheep blare unhappily and stare blankly at Jeep for several minutes

Jason: . . . .

Me:  . . . .

You want me to get out and help?

Jason: Yeah, actually. That would be great.

Me: Ok. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Red Dead Redemption II, Part 1

Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.

Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.

Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.

Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.

Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.

Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?

Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!

Jason: I thought you said I should!!

Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .

GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.

Jason: Fucking Micah.