Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.
Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.
Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.
Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.
Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.
Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?
Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!
Jason: I thought you said I should!!
Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .
GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.
Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Me: Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.
Me: If the zombies are dead then why is blood still spraying everywhere?
Jason: Well clearly they still have blood.
Me: But they’re dead and their heart would still have to be beating and creating pressure to make it spray like that. And they would have to still be warm and have blood moving or it would congeal. Seriously, you’re the medical expert. I like his Cupid costume though.
Me: The biology really isn’t lining up here.
Jason: THE POINT OF THE GAME is running around blowing up as much stuff as possible and creating mayhem in the messiest way possible. It’s a 16 years-olds jack-off dream. It doesn’t have to make sense. Now let me run around and kill things.
Me: Fine. But I don’t understand how these people got in here. And why are they just standing around? It’s a quarantined zone and you would think they would be wanting to get far the fuck away from zombies. I would be.
Jason: They’re just there to sell you things. It’s like a home-base check point.
Me: Well I think that’s pretty unethical to sell weapons like that for survival. I don’t even see how they could smuggle all those weapons in there in the first place. You would think they would at least use them for their own survival, if not to help get other people get out.
Jason: Gives me the shut up and go away death stare
Me: Fine. I’m going to go decorate my skeleton dog string lights.
Jason: You do that.
I think Jason was just mad because I keep eating all the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms.