Watching Jason Play Video Games: Red Dead Redemption II, Part 1

Me: This is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Genius idea to take off in the middle of a blizzard in unknown mountain terrain. Way to go, Dutch! All of these characters already deserve to die.

Jason: Yeah. This is probably a terrible idea.

Me: Seriously. Hey, nice cabin though. It’s way better than the shack you dumped everyone at. Maybe you guys could relocate here. I just realized that living in alpine conditions is really convenient. You could leave that dead guy in the wagon all winter and not have to worry about him.

Jason: As long as there aren’t any interested mountain lions or wolves. Ah hell. Here we go.

Me: Like a Lion-Pop? A Pioneercicle? Neapolitan Miner? Taste the fresh frozen delights of the mountains! Oh shit, you let one get away. That’s probably going to come back and haunt you later.

Jason: Most likely. What should I do about the guy in the barn?

Me: Walks away and mutters indistinctly, then returns. Why the hell did you just let him go?!!

Jason: I thought you said I should!!

Me: No, I said dead men don’t talk. Great. . . .

GODDAMMIT MICAH YOU FUCKING GAPER OVER HERE BURNING ALL THE SHIT TO THE GROUND WE COULD HAVE USED. Fucking Micah.

Jason: Fucking Micah.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Sea of Thieves

Me: Are you shooting live cannons at a ghost ship?

Jason: Yes.

Me: Wait, are they cannon shooting Banshees at you?

Jason: Yea, didn’t you hear the screaming as the last one flew by?

Me: But how is this working? It’s a ghost ship. Cannons would go right through it. And who shoots a Banshee? What’s it going to do, yell AHHH, and be annoying on the fly-by?

Jason: It’s just how it works. It’s the first time I’ve come across a banshee, so I’ve never fought one.

Me: It looks like it’s retreating. Why would a ghost ship need to retreat? They’re all dead anyway.

Jason: *Turns wheel of ship furiously* Dammit. This is why I need you to play too. I need someone to pilot the ship while I shoot the damn things otherwise I get too off course.

Me: So they aren’t retreating, you’re just losing.  Is that land ahead of you?

Jason: *blinks*
I’m not losing. I’m taking an evasive maneuver.
GOD DAMMIT.  I ran aground because I didn’t have anyone to drive the ship.

Me: . . . .

Jason: It’s true.

Me: I wish I had a Banshee Cannon.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Mad Max

Me: So, fly larvae are a food source here? And you can just eat them out of human carcasses you come across?
Jason: Yes, and they have farms where you can grow them.
Me: Ok, but isn’t this a desert world with no water? I don’t see any other animals. If there isn’t enough water for animals, how are there still flies? There aren’t even plants. There’s nothing for them to eat! Flies need food and water too, and I can’t believe there’s enough humans to keep them going in sufficient quantities. In fact, without plants, animals, or water, I don’t see how humans can survive period. Cannibalism isn’t a sustainable solution either.
Jason: shhhhhhhhh, It’s just a video game.
Me: And this bright paint, where are they getting this shit?! Are there extra storage containers laying around somewhere? Neon pink can’t be naturally made, you need a factory and chemicals and shit for this.
Jason: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me:  Also, why are there so many 18 year old dudes? Where are the women? These guys had to be born somewhere. This population isn’t sustainable and it’s like, 30 years after the fall of civilization.
Jason: IT. IS. JUST. A. VIDEO. GAME.
Jason says he loves me exactly as I am but sometimes I don’t believe him.

Watching Jason Play Video Games : Mass Effect: Andromeda

Me: Ok. this doesn’t make any sense
Jason: What doesn’t?
Me: They’re in open space, and said that wreckage floating out there had been smoldering for a decade. Nothing would burn in space for a decade. What, did the ship have an endless supply of oxygen?
Jason:  . . . .
Me: Seriously, if they’re going to spend this much money on graphics and a plausible story, you would think they could get some basic aspects of physics right.
Jason: It is just a video game.
Me: But look at some of the creatures on these planets. They don’t even make sense for survival or the habitat.
Jason: You should stop over analyzing this. It’s a video game.
Me: But how are they able to survive -40C without their helmets on? And how will this inter-species love story work? Where would Scott even stick it?!
Jason: Go Away.
Me: NO. EXPLAIN TO ME HOW HE AND VETRA ARE GOING TO GET IT ON. SHE HAS DOUBLE KNEES.
Jason:  I’m done for today. Let’s take the dogs for a walk.

Watching Jason Play Video Games: Dead Rising 4

Me: If the zombies are dead then why is blood still spraying everywhere?
Jason: Well clearly they still have blood.
Me: But they’re dead and their heart would still have to be beating and creating pressure to make it spray like that. And they would have to still be warm and have blood moving or it would congeal. Seriously, you’re the medical expert. I like his Cupid costume though.
Jason. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: The biology really isn’t lining up here.
Jason: THE POINT OF THE GAME is running around blowing up as much stuff as possible and creating mayhem in the messiest way possible. It’s a 16 years-olds jack-off dream. It doesn’t have to make sense. Now let me run around and kill things.
Me: Fine. But I don’t understand how these people got in here. And why are they just standing around? It’s a quarantined zone and you would think they would be wanting to get far the fuck away from zombies. I would be.
Jason: They’re just there to sell you things. It’s like a home-base check point.
Me: Well I think that’s pretty unethical to sell weapons like that for survival. I don’t even see how they could smuggle all those weapons in there in the first place. You would think they would at least use them for their own survival, if not to help get other people get out.
Jason: Gives me the shut up and go away death stare
Me: Fine. I’m going to go decorate my skeleton dog string lights.
Jason: You do that.

Frank
This is Frank from Dead Rising 4. But it’s also how Jason looked after this conversation, and also when he discovered all his marshmallows were gone.

 I think Jason was just mad because I keep eating all the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms.